Time Out for Women Notes FINALLY

TOFW in Phoenix, AZ, Nov 5, 2011.  These are my running notes.  They may make sense to those of you who were there...  The rest may take some hmmmmm type thoughts from it.  I loved the focus about choosing who you become.  I have thought since that there are so many things in this life that are hard...  seemingly impossible to learn to overcome.  But any one can make any changes needed to grow and become better than we are.  We can overcome any shortcoming, even if it seems that we cannot.  Please note that I have tried to keep my comments in parentheses.

Choose to Become --choose one thing to become this year  (I love this idea)

Elder Scott says we become what we want to be....

Hilary Weeks

what are you you thinking about?
we think over 300 negative a thoughts a day.


Kris Belcher...  look outward and up....  there is power there


Mary Ellen Edmunds:
what lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what is within us. 
C.S. Lewis: you are as much alone with God as if you are the only one,

Identity theft is a reality.  Satan is in charge of trying to do so,  he works hard at it.  He wants you to doubt who you are.  He cannot make you miserable if you know who you really are.

Elder Uchdorf's talk in the General Relief Society meeting in September was titled Forget Me Not.  There is online a picture of a forget-me-not flower with each point of his talk on the petals.


How can God answer if you don't question.  (Ask specifically, directly and straightforwardly.  Don't beat around the bush.)
prayer is not so much about time as is is about meaning,

Hillary Weeks:   negative clicker experiment (She got a cheap tally counter to click with each negative thought.  I loved that she got so depressed with that focus and she turned it around and began to click with each positive thought.  When she changed the focus, it changed her focus.)

I cannot trust the world to decide what is uplifting or positive for me.
at the end of the week I was depressed. and resized that it was paying attention to the negative. the next week I clicked all the positive thoughts.  I clicked 3times the number.  This positiveness helped me set goals I could never have set.  

When we think happy thoughts we are happy.

Any time we can think of the good in spite of the negative..... (I did not get the rest of this thought, but any way you end it it is GREAT! )(we all need cute rain boots and polka dot umbrella my note). she sang I Danced in the Rain.

Linda Eyre and her daughter talked about motherhood and holiness.

(They talked about a book they wrote. I did not get the title, but I am sure you can find it online.)

I didn't plan go be a witch  (This was a comment from the daughter.  It is great!!!  None of us plan to be a witch, but sometimes we find ourselves there anyway.  We, then, are the only ones who can change that.)

life doesn't work about half the time.  (Ain't that the truth)

They quoted Wendy Nelson, Elder Nelson's wife.  Take time to be holy.  It is time to pray for the Lord  to help us be holy.    (I found an article that summarized her talk at BYUI.)  Sister Nelson discusses holiness

Learn to tweak little things.  (Great advice.  Trying to eat the whole thing at once will only make you sick, take it a little at a time.  Make small changes over a period of time.)

Holiness and motherhood come from looking for holiness in the everyday things.  Find those things in your life that you can tweak-- to make holy out of horrible.

Find the worst.... turn on some music   (She was talking about her family.  She saw that there was a particular time of day that things were terrible in her house.  So she turned on music and watched what the kids and husband did.  The great lesson here is that you can look at your home and family and look for ways to improve what you have.  You are the mom and the home is your realm, your responsibility. You will be amazed at what these little steps have your your family and the spirit in your home.)

Feel holy by surviving tribulation... when you are drenched with tribulation live with faith that you can get through. you will be able to find the Savior's face in your own.   Tribulation can make you bitter or better.   It takes time to look back and see what your tribulation has done for you.

remember....  most important word .

# 1...remember who your children really are.

five facet review.
the first of each month take time to review how kids are doing.
physical, emotional, spiritual, social, mental
(Then take steps to help them be better, happier, more social, stronger... whatever they need.)

#2 ...  remember who you really are.  You are the perfect mom for your children. They may not think so.  You might not think so.   Get away regularly. and. think...   be quiet.... find ways to be better wife and mother.  Get together with other women who are like you.

(These websites are three that Sister Eyre and her daughter have...  71 toes is about the little girl with extra digits who had illnesses that changed her family.)
powerofmoms.com
valuesparentiing.com
71toes.com

comically overcommitted  (I have no idea what this was for or what it was about.  But I liked it.)

#3. Remember who the Savior really is and what He can do for you.   The whole gospel is about the Savior.

They told a story of a mom who prepared a space for the Savior her home, and invited him in.  But when He wanted to come with her to help with soccer practice, care for scraped elbows, etc. she said, "oh no... you don't need to do that.  I will be back."  Then she could not let him see the paper plates for dinner.   When she went to pray to him in the room she had prepared for him...she fell asleep.  (I have thought and thought about this little story.  I did not get all the details of the story, but I got the essence of it.  How often do we refuse to let the Savior "go with us" on our daily chaos, havoc, fear, exhaustion... it goes on and on.  We need Him in those moments more than any other time.  If we did let him go with us during our LIVING, our LIVING would be different.)

We have agency. We can choose to be more holy even the midst of havoc.

D. Kelly Ogden..   (I cannot remember who this was.  I only know he is a BYU Professor)

"I am perfectly satisfied that my God is a perfectly cheerful, pleasant being because I am  that way when I have the spirit."  Pres. Kimball

Pres. Hinkley said,' don't  be a pickle sucker."

The prophets are all optimists.  They know better than we do what is out there.  They also know what is coming,  We are on the winning team. Don't quit the team.

Morale problems are for the enlisted men, not the officers.   This was from Gen. Marshall of World War II. We are all officers in the Lord's kingdom.

D&C 137:   When the apostles were in England and discouraged, there was a vision of them discouraged and their heads hanging down...  The Savior is just above them weeping with compassion.  They don't see Him because they have their heads hanging down.  (Are your  heads hanging down?  He is there. Look up.)

Hilary Weeks... I think extraordinary things can happen in ordinary moments.
Pres Kimball:   How could a person possibly become what he is not thinking? Nor is any thought, when persistently entertained, too small to have its effect. The divinity that shapes our ends is indeed ourselves.

The thoughts we dwell on, the feelings we foster in our hearts and the actions we take will have an impact here and in  the hereafter.

Chase doubts away with faith and prayer.   Believe.  When we believe it opens the door for the Savior to step in and do his part.  (I Love This)

Grant Von Harrison:   To a great extent we accomplish what we think about.  After daily prayer just sit quietly and think positive thoughts.  (This is SO IMPORTANT.)

Check laurel christensens blog when she was training for a marathon,

Her song: Past the Point... Beyond the Mark.

Break the Bands of My Self Limitations.  When heaven tells me I can, i believe it.

Matt Baldwin;  We see through LDS lenses.what are we trying to conform to?  And does it come from outside or inside us.  1st Corinthians 1:12  the body... all one member... body of Christ.

Conformity is a two way street.  We have people who expect us to conform, but we also expect others to conform to our expectations.  it is not whether or not we do this, it is s matter of recognizing it and doing some thing about it.

We need to get that under control.

When our spouse or kids see things differently than we do, it is necessary to know what are they seeing that we are not seeing.  We see things a certain way and it is unnerving to think they see things so differently.  But they do and we need to accept that.  They need to be validated.

We should conform to:

Saviors gospel.
when we try to conform to someone else we will be beat our head against a wall.

we need to conform to principles. True principles.

1.   Choose what you believe and value: write down what you believe.  and what you value... not what someone expects you to believe or value.  (Great ADVICE)

2.  Choose how you act.
 Most women  have an issue. Their beliefs are disconnected from behavior.  Their expectations are so high they cannot be met.  They don't have to be every single thing to everyone every day.  (Pay attention to this girls... It is SO Important.)

Be where your feet are. Live the moment as it is.

God loves you. Not God loves you if...


( Hilary Weeks new album is Every Step)

What is your beautiful heartbreak?  Often we are faced with things we don't  want to go through... But we are so much better when we do.  The heartbreak becomes beautiful,,, and even sacred.

Ask daily in prayers:  What is most important for me to accomplish that day?
Heavenly Father will be as much a part of our lives as we let Him.   There is peace that comes when we find out and follow what He thinks is the most important.

What would I do if today was the only day I had left.

Kris Belcher....
Hind sight.  it is much easier to recognize the Lord's hand in our difficulty, after the fact.

She prayed repeatedly to have the cancer healed and save her vision,
but, she also asked that His will be done.

Whatever darkness is in your life, focusing on that darkness will not lead you to light.  Focus up and see marvelous light. Look in the scriptures for promises.

I will not leave you comfortless.
Brother of Jared did not have to live in darkness.  He went to the Lord with a solution... and theLord honored it.We need to say, "Lord, I commend myself to you."   Then do so and let the winds blow. they are blowing toward  something.  (Where is your promised land?)
Giving thanks and praise is one way of looking up.  Pray to the Lord and consecrate your effort to the Lord.  He will consecrate our efforts to us... to our good and growth.

Alma says to his son Helaman,  "look to God and live."
Allow our problems to drive us to the promised land.

 Her invitation to us is to look to God and live.  It is hard to remain negative when we turn our complaints into prayers.  Then we are looking into the light instead of darkness.  Part of looking to God and looking up includes humor.  I have bitter days....   but I choose otherwise.   (I love that she told this.)

Marriage is Work

I have heard that line so many times in my life, and for many years I just did not understand it. I think I do now, or at least I think I get it... a little.

Marriages don't last a lifetime by chance. As a matter of fact most don't last 7 years. So what is the difference between a marriage that falls apart, one that survives and one that thrives? A marriage that fails brings heartbreak.  A marriage that survives is OK.  If a marriage is surviving, and the partners want their marriage to thrive, they can move in that direction.

However a marriage that thrives is one that provides what is needed for both partners to grow, be happy, to learn. There is love and support. When adversity hits, both partners know they will not be alone, that they have someone with whom they will be able to work through the adversity. They are a team that knows they are a team. No. Matter. What.

A marriage works when two people are in all the way. A marriage works when two people care more about their family than they do themselves. A marriage works when the two partners work at it. These partners are not perfect, they don't always get along, they don't even like each other sometimes. But their commitment is deep and they know it is all about growing into a celestial marriage that will make their family happy for all eternity. It is not just two people, it is an entire family. A fundamentally happy one. 

This kind of marriage works because both partners pray, find time to read the scriptures, learn to talk openly with each other, listen carefully to each other, and appreciate each others' strengths even when they are annoyed or mad at each other.

Good marriage partners are kind when they don't want to be, keep their mouths shut when they want to spew their anger, look for the positive when all they see in a moment is the negative. They learn to behave the way they want their partner to behave. Good marriage partners don't believe that their marriage will be better when their partner changes. They know it will get better as they, themselves, change.  They don't try to get even, or try to make sure they get their fair share. They look for ways that they can make life better, and when asked, they give kind useful feedback. Good partners learn to ask for feedback from the one they love, knowing that whatever they say, their partner loves and cares for them. They don't avoid conflict, they work through it until they find solutions, growth, and satisfaction.

Please understand that I am not speaking from the platform of perfection on this topic. I am speaking from the arena of experience. My marriage is not perfect, we have good and bad days, weeks and months.  But it is good, and getting better as we grow older. I can look at our issues and see that we are slowly working our way through them.  We finally find we have a little more patience with each others' shortcomings. We are a little less intense with each other, a little more forgiving. It has been effort over a long time.

Now our children are creating their own lives... raising their own families... and I hope they have a vision of the unit they are working to create that will expand ours and make all our lives more full.