Another adventure

Fourteen months ago

Jeff and I stood on a crowded Saigon street and watched Drew and Diane walk away from us.  We were alone in a country that is about as far away from home as we could possibly get.  Neither of us speaks Vietnamese.  We turned to each other and smiled.  Then we turned the other direction and began to wander.  All the fears we brought to Viet Nam melted away as we wandered.  We were comfortable.  We loved it here.  In unison we said, "We could do this."  We were talking about serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  We could go anywhere.  Unfamiliar places with oh-so-different smells, foods and sounds were not scary anymore.  We were ready for this great adventure.  Bring it on!

Flash forward to Wednesday, October 16, 2013.  Our dream was reality.  We had been called to serve in the Philippines as humanitarian missionaries. We were to report to the MTC in Provo on Dec. 2.  We had been given our specific assignment to work as liaison between NGOs and other organizations seeking assistance for humanitarian projects and the Church to make sure help was given and paperwork was complete and accurate.  We were learning Tagalog with help from the SMTC in Provo.  (Thank You Jake Budge)  Our car was sold and we were actively looking for a renter for our house.  

The unthinkable happened.  As we sat in Barnes and Noble working on our Ipads (language training), Jeff jumped up with a look of horror on his face.  He began to pace.  

"What," fear settled inside of me.  

"It's back," was his only reply.  The look of horror on his face said the rest.  It has been 7 years.  But I knew without hearing anything else. 

So, in the middle of our turbo charged preparations, we came to screeching halt, did an about face, and began the process of diagnosis and finding treatment.  It was devastating.  

There are some, who in an attempt to help us feel better have likened this situation to that of Abraham of the Old Testament when he was asked to sacrifice his son.  In the case of Abraham... he was spared.  His son was spared.  The sacrifice was not required.  Our friends have said that our sacrifice of serving was mission was not required.  They do not understand.  Going on a mission was not a sacrifice.  We wanted to go.  We looked forward to going.  We felt like we could do what was being asked of us, and do it well.  We saw it as a great adventure that would give us the opportunity to serve in a way that was really in the realm of our skill set.  

The sacrifice for us was not going on a mission.  Jeff's diagnosis is Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma.  It is the same cancer that he had 8 years ago.  We both know what that means, and it is frightening.  It is a sacrifice to give up a mission in the part of the world we fell in love with a year ago.  It is sacrifice to go from attending to learning a langauage and emailing the Area Welfare Manager of Quezon City to emailing the doctors at Johns Hopkins for scheduling appointments and talking chemo choices.  

A Mission?

Sometime in July Jeff and I looked at each other and said, "It is time."  Then, we visited with a friend in Maryland who said, "Well...  A mission?" and we chatted with her saying the usual things about how we wanted to go on a mission and that we intended to go on a mission... soon.  She suggested we talk to President Johnson, our former stake president who had just gotten home from serving a mission in the mission office in Salt Lake City, Utah.  He and his wife had been involved with processing the papers of senior missionary couples who wanted to serve full time missions for the church.  (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)

Then, while walking through Target in Long Gate Shopping Center of Ellicott City, MD we ran into President Johnson's daughter, who said, "Mom and Dad just got back from a mission in the mission office in SLC.  You should talk to them."  Sounds like we needed to talk to them.

So we did.  They kindly spent an hour or two with us.  When we left we were ready.  So we went home and, through our branch president, initiated the online recommendation form that would tell those people in that office in SLC all about us, so they could decide what recommendations should be made about what kind of mission we should serve, where we should go and when we should start.  

The recommendation process was lengthy and, at times daunting. It was not a sit down and answer a few questions, write a few sentences about ourselves and push the SUBMIT button.  No.

We browsed and then studied the Senior Missionary Opportunities Bulletin.  We answered pages of questions about ourselves.  We considered everything.  From "How do you feel about flying" on a scale of 1 to 5, to "how comfortable are you with teaching English, or leading the music."  We considered if it would bother us if we were the only missionaries for miles... or the only members of the church for miles...  We thought about our prior missionary service, our callings, our skills, our life experiences, and our fears.  Then we tried to explain details about all of them in 500 or 2000 characters or less.  Finally, we told them we would  love to serve a PEF/self reliance mission, or a humanitarian mission.  We tried to explain why.  We felt pretty inadequate and inarticulate through it all.  Finally, on Aug. 25 we declared ourselves finished, and tapped the submit button.  We made appointments to meet with our Branch President (local ecclesiastical leader) and then our Stake President (the ecclesiastical leader one step up the chain).  Upon completion of those two interviews, their submit buttons were pushed on Aug 29.

Then we waited, and watched the mail. And we waited for five weeks.  When we got to that last week we were in New Mexico to spend time with some of our children and grandchildren.  So, we called.  We called our neighbor (Yahoo... Bob and Trina) every night to find out if our letter had arrived.  Finally, on Oct 7 Bob said yes.  We listened on speaker phone as Bob tore open our letter and began to read.  

"You are assigned to labor in the Philippines Quezon City Mission.  Your primary assignment is to labor in thePhilippines Welfare Country Office as a humanitarian specialist.  It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months."

Secret and Sacred. Consider This.

Meditation is the most secret,
the most sacred
door through which we pass
into the presence of The Lord.
David O McKay

I think we pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion.

In our worship there are two elements: one is spiritual communion rising from our own meditation; the other instruction from others, particularly from those who have authority to guide and instruct us. Of the two, the more profitable introspectively is meditation.

Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord" (Pres. David O. McKay, “Consciousness of God: Supreme Goal of Life,” Improvement Era, June 1967, pp. 80–82).

- See more at: http://ldsperfectday.blogspot.com/2012/12/meditation-part-1.html#sthash.1r7lHuJG.dpuf

“I think we pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion.

In our worship there are two elements: one is spiritual communion rising from our own meditation; the other instruction from others, particularly from those who have authority to guide and instruct us. Of the two, the more profitable introspectively is meditation.

Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord" (Pres. David O. McKay, “Consciousness of God: Supreme Goal of Life,” Improvement Era, June 1967, pp. 80–82).

- See more at: http://ldsperfectday.blogspot.com/2012/12/meditation-part-1.html#sthash.1r7lHuJG.dpuf

“I think we pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion.

In our worship there are two elements: one is spiritual communion rising from our own meditation; the other instruction from others, particularly from those who have authority to guide and instruct us. Of the two, the more profitable introspectively is meditation.

Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord" (Pres. David O. McKay, “Consciousness of God: Supreme Goal of Life,” Improvement Era, June 1967, pp. 80–82).

- See more at: http://ldsperfectday.blogspot.com/2012/12/meditation-part-1.html#sthash.1r7lHuJG.dpuf

Be More

5 Steps for Overcoming the Crippling "Bystander Effect"

Given the choice, Kitty Genovese would rather not have become the subject of social psychology research.
As she was returning home from work on March 13, 1964, Kitty was approached by a man who attacked and stabbed her.

She screamed repeatedly for help. At least a dozen people heard her screams, but it took a full thirty minutes before someone contacted the police.

Four years later, researchers John Darley and Bibb Latané, fascinated by the Kitty Genovese case, first demonstrated the "bystander effect" in the lab.

The greater the number of people present, they discovered, the less likely people are to help a person in distress.

For example, they staged an experiment around a woman in distress. 70 percent of the people alone called out or went to help the woman after they believed she had fallen and was hurt. But when there were other people in the room only 40 percent offered help.

The "bystander effect" is explained by what social psychologists call "diffusion of responsibility": In a large group of people, people may feel that individual responsibility to intervene is lessened because it is shared by all of the onlookers.

Let's cut through all the psychological jargon and state it bluntly: People in crowds are stupid. They become followers. They stop taking responsibility for their actions.

That's precisely why following the crowd cripples our success -- not because following is intrinsically wrong, but because when following a crowd our sense of responsibility is stifled.

Taking ultimate, unflinching responsibility for our choices, results, and happiness is the first and foundational principle of success.

No progress can be made without responsibility. As long as we have someone to blame or some reason to justify and excuse our lack of success, we can never claim our power.

 

There is an inverse relationship between excellence and conformity. The more we conform to social pressure, the less excellence we achieve.

By definition, excellence is unique. The principles for achieving it may be universal, but no two expressions of excellence are alike.

Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel ceiling. Da Vinci sculpted David. Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote Uncle Tom's Cabin. Steve Jobs built Apple Computers.

What's your unique expression of excellence? What pressures are you conforming to that are restraining your unique purpose and voice?

Being a bystander in crowds is bad enough, but even worse is people being passive bystanders to their own mediocre lives.

They drift on the wind and waves of life without a clearly defined purpose and a firm commitment to a cause. They let fear, doubt, and worry dictate their choices rather than faith and courage.

 

 

According to research, bystanders go through these cognitive and behavioral processes:
1. Notice that something is going on
2. Interpret the situation as being an emergency
3. Degree of responsibility felt
4. Determine the form of assistance
5. Implement the action choice

 

These five processes provide the steps for overcoming the bystander effect in our own lives:

1. Notice: Take stock of your life. Where are you currently? Where do you want to be? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? What is your purpose? Write down your answers. 

 

2. Interpret: Be honest with yourself. Are you living up to your full potential? How big is the gap between your current performance and what you know you're capable of? 

3. Take Responsibility: Don't blame your parents, your circumstances, your lack of talent, your lack of connections. No justification or rationalization. You were brought to your current state by your own choices. Period. 

 

4. Determine Your Action Plan: What are you trying to make happen? How will you measure success? 

5. Implement: Just do it. Make it happen. Start that business. Write that book. Take that dream vacation. Hike to the top of that mountain. Cut up that credit card. Stop wishing and DO IT.

Kitty Genovese was murdered while bystanders watched. Likewise, human potential is snuffed out while people conform to culture and passively watch their lives pass by.

 

Just because everyone around you is living a scripted life doesn't mean it's okay for you. Break the mold. Stand out from the crowd. Be the change.

Would you rather be studied by social psychologists for your conformity, or by descendants for your greatness?
— Stephen Palmer

a little miracle

34 years ago I got married. My husband, Jeff, and i exchanged rings that were gold, of simple design, and were not very expensive. They served the purpose to show show the world we were married... to each other.

33 years ago my husband gave me a diamond. It was a small, simple, emerald cut diamond on a simple slender gold band that had come to me from his mother's engagement ring, via a man's ring made for Jeff by his step father after Jeff's mother died.

This year I lost that ring. I was devastated. I did not want to tell Jeff. I did not tell him for several days, not until I had searched my jewelry box, my purse and a variety of other bags I use regularly, my suitcases, the car. I had not been wearing my rings regularly because I had been getting a rash on my ring finger that made it uncomfortable to wear them. When I took them off I dropped them in the nearest small pocket of whatever bag I was carrying or makeup bag that was close at hand.

I know how my husband feels about his mother and how he feels about this ring, and I just could not tell him, but I could not keep it from him either, so I told him. I cried, apologized and tried to explain how terrible I felt. He was kind. He assured me it was ok. He assured me it was just a ring. Then he started to look. He, too, looked everywhere. my jewelry box. my bags. I came home from work and found him with a flashlight coming out of the room where our suitcases are stored. I was sick.

We both searched the car, again. We went to our daughter's house and searched everywhere that my bags had been in her house. Nothing.

I did not get on my knees to pray for help. I did not pray for help in quiet moments in the car, at the kitchen sink or in the shower as I normally would. I could not. You see, there had been a moment (before I lost the ring) that I had a moment of inspiration. There had been a whispering in my mind as I looked at that ring resting at the bottom of my make-up bag that I should take it from the bag and put it in my jewelry box. And I ignored it. I knew I was ignoring it when I did it.

I felt I had no right to ask for help with something I had been given a warning about and had ignored. So I did not ask for help from the heavens. I was heartsick, but I did not take it to The Lord. I felt unworthy, in this little temporal hour of need.

A few weeks later, after the searches were finished and we had reconciled ourselves to the fact that the ring was gone, I did take it to The Lord. Briefly. I told Him why I had not asked for help. I told Him I felt terrible about this loss. I have lost jewelry before, but this was different. It was Jeff's mother's ring. It really mattered to him, and therefore mattered to me. It was important to me because it was physical evidence of Jeff's love and trust in me. AND I lost it. I told The Lord that I knew this was not something I deserved to get back, that it was just jewelry. It wasn't my children, or my health, or those that I love who were lost or at risk, but that it was important to us and I was so sorry and sad to lose it. I also acknowledged that I had ignored the earlier prompting that could have prevented the entire affair. I still did not ask to get it back.

Saturday Jeff and I participated in Mormon Helping Hands. We picked up a friend and drove an hour and a half to the work site, where we met the rest of the participants from our stake. For 2 hours we picked up trash on a mile of road adjacent to Ricketts Glen State Park. Then we helped haul wood from the woods to a parking lot to be picked up and removed from the area. We were exhausted as we drove home feeling good about our contribution. About 30 minutes into the the drive home our friend asked (from the back seat of our car) did someone lose a ring. He stuck his hand around my seat, over the center console with my diamond stuck to his little finger. He had found my ring. He had found my ring stuck in a crevice on the floor of the back seat of the car. I was amazed.

I learned a lesson. This experience reinforced to me how ready our Father in Heaven is to bless us. This ring incident was a small moment in the big picture. It taught me (again) that when we feel least worthy is when we need the most help. It is when we need to tell The Lord our dilemma, our problems, our hurts, our fears, our limitations, our reasons for not feeling worthy, our desires.

He will bless us. We might not be immediately lifted from our problems, or find immediate solutions, but blessings will come, we will receive strength, peace will follow. We will be able to see ahead and find courage and insight. We will find solutions, and we will be wiser for our experience. We will know. We will learn to trust His promises.

Life is not meant to be free from tragedy, hardship and problems that are beyond our capacity to deal with, to solve. What we cannot handle is meant to be shared with The Lord. By sharing with Him, we engage the atonement and our ability and strength, knowledge and wisdom are enhanced. We learn more than we could on our own. We solve what seems unsolvable. Our lives are enriched beyond that which we can see on our own.

Marriage: love is not an assignment for the coward.

Jeff and I went to a marriage conference last night. We don't usually do that sort of thing, and we did not stay very long last night. As a matter of fact we only were there for about an hour. We heard some good things during that hour, and I will share.

MARRIAGE IS NOT JUST A SPIRITUAL COMMUNION, SOMEONE HAS TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

1.  The greatest reason marriages fall apart is SELFISHNESS . We make choices without thinking what it will do to our children and our spouse.

2.  Spend time counseling with your spouse.  Make a list of what you need from your spouse, then talk about it and revisit it regularly.  Also, make a list of what you already receive for your spou and revisit it regularly.

3.  When you feel like "what am I doing here?" Remember, this is what you signed on for.  To be all in...  You made sacred covenants to do so.

4.  Five points to ponder.
     A.  Make peace with what you cannot change.
     B.  keep the commandments.  Be 100% in.
     C.  Don't take offense.  Develop a thicker skin.
     D.  Speak hope.  The best is yet to come...  In a world of negativity.
     E.  Take no time for contention.  Be a person who won't let your tongue deride, be critical, be nasty or negative.

5.  Marriage:  The ultimate test is to learn how to connect, love and care for your spouse.  The one person in all the world that you found and wound up with. This is the "step" (connect, love, and care) that will help us reach celestial glory.

6.  Live the gospel and The Lord will insulate and protect your family .

7.  Be good to yourself.  It is a delightful journey to get to that place.

8.  There was a young couple who married and the wife put a box on a closet shelf and told her husband to never look in the box. He did not, for years and years.  Finally. In their old age he took the box down and asked her if he could look inside.  She said yes.  Inside, to his shock, he found two handmade doilies and $25,000.  She explained.  Every time she was upset with him she made a doily.  He was amazed that she only made two doilies in all those years.  But, that did not explain the money.  She said, "That is the money I have made selling all the doilies I made over the years."