Monday, May 12, 2014

I thought I would write my way thorugh this experience.

I really did.   But I have not done so.  I have had moments when the words flowed through my brain.  I knew that if I could sit down at a keyboard I could put on the screen exactly what was happening and exactly how I felt,  but that did not happen.  Either there was no keyboard in sight, or when i opened my tablet there was Facebook or the USA Today crossword puzzle and I took a detour.  Nothing has been recorded.

The possibilities are still there. Every day I tell myself that this will be the day that I write.  This will be the day that I begin to record the process of this experience.  This will be the day that all I know and think and feel about cancer will be out there for the world to see.  

Maybe...

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Another adventure

Fourteen months ago

Jeff and I stood on a crowded Saigon street and watched Drew and Diane walk away from us.  We were alone in a country that is about as far away from home as we could possibly get.  Neither of us speaks Vietnamese.  We turned to each other and smiled.  Then we turned the other direction and began to wander.  All the fears we brought to Viet Nam melted away as we wandered.  We were comfortable.  We loved it here.  In unison we said, "We could do this."  We were talking about serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  We could go anywhere.  Unfamiliar places with oh-so-different smells, foods and sounds were not scary anymore.  We were ready for this great adventure.  Bring it on!

Flash forward to Wednesday, October 16, 2013.  Our dream was reality.  We had been called to serve in the Philippines as humanitarian missionaries. We were to report to the MTC in Provo on Dec. 2.  We had been given our specific assignment to work as liaison between NGOs and other organizations seeking assistance for humanitarian projects and the Church to make sure help was given and paperwork was complete and accurate.  We were learning Tagalog with help from the SMTC in Provo.  (Thank You Jake Budge)  Our car was sold and we were actively looking for a renter for our house.  

The unthinkable happened.  As we sat in Barnes and Noble working on our Ipads (language training), Jeff jumped up with a look of horror on his face.  He began to pace.  

"What," fear settled inside of me.  
"It's back," was his only reply.  The look of horror on his face said the rest.  It has been 7 years.  But I knew without hearing anything else. 

So, in the middle of our turbo charged preparations, we came to screeching halt, did an about face, and began the process of diagnosis and finding treatment.  It was devastating.  

There are some, who in an attempt to help us feel better have likened this situation to that of Abraham of the Old Testament when he was asked to sacrifice his son.  In the case of Abraham... he was spared.  His son was spared.  The sacrifice was not required.  Our friends have said that our sacrifice of serving was mission was not required.  They do not understand.  Going on a mission was not a sacrifice.  We wanted to go.  We looked forward to going.  We felt like we could do what was being asked of us, and do it well.  We saw it as a great adventure that would give us the opportunity to serve in a way that was really in the realm of our skill set.  

The sacrifice for us was not going on a mission.  Jeff's diagnosis is Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma.  It is the same cancer that he had 8 years ago.  We both know what that means, and it is frightening.  It is a sacrifice to give up a mission in the part of the world we fell in love with a year ago.  It is sacrifice to go from attending to learning a langauage and emailing the Area Welfare Manager of Quezon City to emailing the doctors at Johns Hopkins for scheduling appointments and talking chemo choices.  



Monday, October 14, 2013

A Mission?

Sometime in July Jeff and I looked at each other and said, "It is time."  Then, we visited with a friend in Maryland who said, "Well...  A mission?" and we chatted with her saying the usual things about how we wanted to go on a mission and that we intended to go on a mission... soon.  She suggested we talk to President Johnson, our former stake president who had just gotten home from serving a mission in the mission office in Salt Lake City, Utah.  He and his wife had been involved with processing the papers of senior missionary couples who wanted to serve full time missions for the church.  (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)

Then, while walking through Target in Long Gate Shopping Center of Ellicott City, MD we ran into President Johnson's daughter, who said, "Mom and Dad just got back from a mission in the mission office in SLC.  You should talk to them."  Sounds like we needed to talk to them.

So we did.  They kindly spent an hour or two with us.  When we left we were ready.  So we went home and, through our branch president, initiated the online recommendation form that would tell those people in that office in SLC all about us, so they could decide what recommendations should be made about what kind of mission we should serve, where we should go and when we should start.  

The recommendation process was lengthy and, at times daunting. It was not a sit down and answer a few questions, write a few sentences about ourselves and push the SUBMIT button.  No.

We browsed and then studied the Senior Missionary Opportunities Bulletin.  We answered pages of questions about ourselves.  We considered everything.  From "How do you feel about flying" on a scale of 1 to 5, to "how comfortable are you with teaching English, or leading the music."  We considered if it would bother us if we were the only missionaries for miles... or the only members of the church for miles...  We thought about our prior missionary service, our callings, our skills, our life experiences, and our fears.  Then we tried to explain details about all of them in 500 or 2000 characters or less.  Finally, we told them we would  love to serve a PEF/self reliance mission, or a humanitarian mission.  We tried to explain why.  We felt pretty inadequate and inarticulate through it all.  Finally, on Aug. 25 we declared ourselves finished, and tapped the submit button.  We made appointments to meet with our Branch President (local ecclesiastical leader) and then our Stake President (the ecclesiastical leader one step up the chain).  Upon completion of those two interviews, their submit buttons were pushed on Aug 29.

Then we waited, and watched the mail. And we waited for five weeks.  When we got to that last week we were in New Mexico to spend time with some of our children and grandchildren.  So, we called.  We called our neighbor (Yahoo... Bob and Trina) every night to find out if our letter had arrived.  Finally, on Oct 7 Bob said yes.  We listened on speaker phone as Bob tore open our letter and began to read.  

"You are assigned to labor in the Philippines Quezon City Mission.  Your primary assignment is to labor in thePhilippines Welfare Country Office as a humanitarian specialist.  It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months."


Friday, September 6, 2013

Secret and Sacred. Consider This.

Meditation is the most secret,
the most sacred
door through which we pass
into the presence of The Lord.
David O McKay
I think we pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion.
In our worship there are two elements: one is spiritual communion rising from our own meditation; the other instruction from others, particularly from those who have authority to guide and instruct us. Of the two, the more profitable introspectively is meditation.
Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord" (Pres. David O. McKay, “Consciousness of God: Supreme Goal of Life,” Improvement Era, June 1967, pp. 80–82).
- See more at: http://ldsperfectday.blogspot.com/2012/12/meditation-part-1.html#sthash.1r7lHuJG.dpuf
“I think we pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion.
In our worship there are two elements: one is spiritual communion rising from our own meditation; the other instruction from others, particularly from those who have authority to guide and instruct us. Of the two, the more profitable introspectively is meditation.
Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord" (Pres. David O. McKay, “Consciousness of God: Supreme Goal of Life,” Improvement Era, June 1967, pp. 80–82).
- See more at: http://ldsperfectday.blogspot.com/2012/12/meditation-part-1.html#sthash.1r7lHuJG.dpuf
“I think we pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion.
In our worship there are two elements: one is spiritual communion rising from our own meditation; the other instruction from others, particularly from those who have authority to guide and instruct us. Of the two, the more profitable introspectively is meditation.
Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord" (Pres. David O. McKay, “Consciousness of God: Supreme Goal of Life,” Improvement Era, June 1967, pp. 80–82).
- See more at: http://ldsperfectday.blogspot.com/2012/12/meditation-part-1.html#sthash.1r7lHuJG.dpuf